It's been about three years since I've blogged.  Time flies.  To catch you up, My daughter, Leigh and her husband have a new baby one year old on June 21st.  He's just learning to walk well, or rather, to run recklessly (!lol).  Ian looks like my sister's baby pictures, who I lost in May 2012, so he has a special place in my heart just by existing.  Honestly, I wasn't expecting any more grands so he's quite a special gift!

2nd on this list is the fact I've achieved one of my long time goals.  I graduated with my BA in English Literature in May.  My daughter, Leigh graduated at the same time with a Masters Degree in Criminology.  She's already started a 2nd masters specializing in Criminology Intel as I understand it.  I start my masters in English Lit on September 28th.  I don't expect it to be easy but feel really good about finally getting my BA.

I'm living part time with a long time friend, Thane.  He's been there for me even when my own family wasn't so he's another person who is especially dear to my heart.  When I had cancer in 2004, it was Thane who talked me into going to the doctor because of my symptoms.  I wouldn't be here today if not for his nudges!  So I owe him.

Still am out of touch with my oldest daughter, Sommer, and her children.  This is still a sadness in my life, but I don't mourn for them like I did for the first years.  I still don't understand her logic, but have read a letter she wrote Leigh telling her why she feels it best to cut all ties to her family.  It doesn't make sense to me, but as her mother, I want nothing more than I want for her to be happy and cutting all ties to her past seems to be what makes her happy.  Very dark place inside me because of losing her and four grandchildren.

My trusty mini-pin, Tai and my Siamese, Mariah are aging and growing more precious to me almost by the day.  Tai turned 10 this July and Mariah turned three.  I'll be adding pictures!  Brenda, if you're reading this, I've missed your comments on my life but appreciated the "likes" on facebook!  My friend from Madrid, I hope we get to meet some day!

Between Here and There A Poem by C. Harter Amos I cling to a distant echo; a whisper in thin air and consider your love my destiny. It's more than pain; it's a crushing grief, the weight of a strange love bigger than myself never denied or forgotten. I battle illusive forces for an inner balance I've lost. The shreds of you I hold onto are no longer realistic, but are forever interwoven with the threads of who I am. All I can do is sleep; Embrace the poverty of my soul and sleep, "perchance to dream" of only one man and he is still you. You battled fire, water, wind, and earth and stood steadfast; a rampant conquering lion. but now a shadow falls across anxious features; your desperation barely hidden. Is it time's wheel you fear, my sweet and noble knight? Doubt is not flatteringly worn on your mighty shoulders or in the depth of your eyes even though you smile. Your past and I aren't there to wipe the fear away, or steer you clear of cobwebs and stumbling stones. Misplaced choices, even misread, are permanently etched between here and there. This is my own doubt that I wear beneath my smile; the shadow in the depth of my eyes. © 2011 C. Harter Amos

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

Maru's Christmas Gift

I'm taking a Philosophy class this semester and enjoying it already.  I'd forgotten just how much I loved Philosophy during the '70's and '80's.  Just finished reading Plato's Apology.  The logic of it was great.  How could I have forgotten "the unexamined life is not worth living."?  Maybe that's why my life has boiled down to a thin paste! 

Rest in Peace

A Poem by C. Harter Amos

He lifted his hand as if to bless the crowd

and all I could think was that with his words

he changed the world.

They stood still in their mania long enough to listen.

In his innocence he didn’t know.

Or maybe he knew it was already too late

Maybe he folded under the responsibility’s weight.

He should have shed tears

that could not be forgotten

on the left edge of tomorrow

but was shot in the full sun of his day.

Another Christ?

Another cross?

It got their attention last time, didn’t it?

Graphic enough and on the cusp of a different fall.

So easily led, these sheep he called.

The thought made me wonder at what exact point on this line in time

we failed to stand up to the lethargy and intimidation

that bred yet another generation

of silent majority Americans on their knees

turning the age of peace into a world of too many tombstones

and too much greed.

Our social structure crumbles

Even our poor planet grumbles

At what we’ve done

And failed to do.

The anchorman’s makeup runs as he sashays

and tells us what irrelevance is important today.

How heavy the fears

when we bow to our peers;

turn our backs to the obvious, we’re stupidly oblivious

to the fall of yet another Rome,

the place of ultimate self-indulgence

that is what we call home.

The young ones will hurt from what we don’t believe,

From what we choose to accept and fail to perceive.

When did it become too heavy a weight to bear,

to fight what monsters we know to fear?

Is it a lost cause now that we can see catastrophe's approach

in the ice sheets that melt, the dictators that boast?

Maybe it’s their belief that makes them face death for their ideals

while too many of us give up on the possibility goodness can be real:

Harmony and respect within one space,

A good God who wipes tears from each face.

Give me liberty or give me death?

Rest in peace, Abraham, Martin and John

You did all you could do.

There’s no one left to take your place

And we’re not willing to renew our faith.

It breathed its last breath with yours.

© 2008 C. Harter Amos

Maru

This is Maru who was my virtual cat for years before I got Mariah this last June.  You should take the time to watch several of his videos.  He's adorable and sometimes rofl funny.

Sharing a Saying

When I was little, I hated going to the doctor and would run from my parents when I knew I was about to go for a shot.  My father once told me that it would soon be just a memory.  The idea didn't help me at the time but I learned something that has helped me through many bad situations throughout my life.  It can be said in any number of ways: "Tomorrow is another day", "This too will pass", or as Oprah says it, "The sun is pretty sure to turn up tomorrow."  But none of these suit me better than what my father said.  So many of my physically and emotionally painful times I got through by remembering that before long the pain would just be a memory.  I still miss people I've lost along the way but the intensity of the loss lessens and the loss itself becomes "just a memory". My Dad died when I was ten, but he managed to give several things like this saying that have helped me cope. 

New Year's Resolutions

I don't usually make resolutions for the new year.  They tend to take on monumental importance and make me feel like I have to keep them come hell or high water.  This year I'm making an exception and declaring several.

1) To continue my dieting.  I'm just 30 pounds from my goal having dieted for two years.  The down side of this is that my wardrobe went away and I'm down to just a few things.  Add to this the fact that I'm only temporarily in the size I'm wearing so that I won't waste the money buying more clothes than I have until I'm down to my natural size.

2) To find friends to hang out with.  This being a small town it means becoming a part of a church, which is okay with me.  Which leads me to number 3.

3) To tend to my spiritual life which I've neglected for a while.  This may not be going to church as such, or even tending my spirit in a Christian sense of the word, but to meditate more for sure.  To aim at a more calm way of living.

4) To spend as much quality time as I can with my daughter and grandchildren since I know they're growing up fast and Granny gets shoved to the back during teen years or soon after.  Also my daughter is going into graduate school soon and will have less time to be with me so that's a priority.  I love my family.

5) To stay in contact with my oldest sister who I've only recently been talking to on a regular basis.  She means a great deal to me.

6)  This one sounds stupid, but I have to bathe my dog more often.  The original idea was once a week which slid to once every two weeks, which slid to once every month so it's time for a reset there.  Back to once every two weeks which ought to do it.

7)  I'm aiming at this year being the year I finish my degree in English.  This means the beginning of a job search.  I want to teach online at college level which means back to school for a masters degree.

So there's really nothing majorly earth shattering in the forecast.  Just a few things on the list of "to do"s. 

My youngest daughter was married on the 28th!  She and her fiance had been together for years and I'd given up on thinking it would ever end in marriage.  Leigh was more than careful since her first marriage ended in a painful divorce.  Her two children like Mark and I think it should be the beginning of a happy time in her life. 

Hope everyone is having a great holiday and Happy New Year to everyone!

I'm not good at writing about my own life.  Blogging is a journey using that skill and maybe I'll get better at it as I go along.  Please be patient.

 Life is all about preparing for Christmas last week and this week.  Giving the best of myself to my grandchildren is what I wanted to do most.  I can't give them "things" so much as I can give them myself and my time.  It would be nice to be wealthy enough to buy everything they want, but I'm just not. Even sending cards is out of the question this year except to send eCards.

I received a letter from my oldest daughter for Christmas.  That was the most I had asked for; to hear that she and her children are fine and to catch up on the news of how each child is doing.  I'm blessed to have my youngest daughter and her children close at hand and to spend so much time with them.  They're the light of my life.  Not getting to know four of my grands is a sad, regretable thing, but life is what it is.  Today I'm just grateful to have had contact with them and their mother.  It's as near to the perfect Christmas as I'll see in my life:  my youngest and her two children have given me a reason to be alive and I know my oldest is safe and her children growing up well..

Today is my grandson, Michael's 10th birthday. Beautiful, sweet Michael! Tomorrow my granddaughter, Robin turns 10 as well. Sweet, sweet child.  I missed my grandson, Brian's birthday in November (I have an extra soft spot in my heart for Brian) and will miss my grandson, David's birthday in January (the oldest is always special).  Then comes my youngest grandson's birthday, Eric in February (love him to death).  The youngest grandchild is Angelina.  (She's adopted and I wasn't sure I would love her as much as I should, but once I was around her she had as big a spot in my heart as the others).  Her birthday is in April.  So many reasons to celebrate during the holidays whether I get to see my grands or not. 

Today I'm grateful to be worn out from having Robin and Eric for three days and nights.  I'll be sore for a few days and live off Tylenol but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  They enjoy having an adult who can focus on them exclusively, cater to them shamelessly, and I get to spoil them rotten.  Not so sure their mother appreciates it exactly but the kids have the security of having an extended family they know loves them. 

This year is the first that Robin and Eric won't believe in Santa and I suppose Angelina Marie is the only one young enough to believe.  It takes a bit of magic out of the holiday, but kids have to grow up.

 I haven't seen David, Brian, Michael and Angelina in 5 years this Christmas.  They're in my prayers every day. David will graduate from high school next year.  Hard to believe.  Years have a way of slipping away! And I'm far too busy to feel sorry for myself.  Just miss them all.

Like most people, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut.  One of the experts on MSNBC said this isn't mental illness this is revenge and pure evil.  I can't make sense of something so horrible as the killing of innocents.  Thinking that this boy, Adam Lazar, has an eternity of suffering ahead doesn't seem enough somehow.  The best of humanity is the pure in heart, the babies who have yet to think an evil thought.  To touch them with harm in any form is some sort of ultimate evil.  I couldn't "blog" about anything else in the wake of such a deed.  Everything serious pales in comparison and everything light hearted is far out of reach.  There is no "Merry Christmas" today.  There are simply tears and prayers for twenty children who represent the best in human kind.